This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
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I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people