“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
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Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.