@shariv67: This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in...
@TheCatWhisprer: [1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won't be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
@Parker_Simpson: On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump
@SondraDeeMe: [sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
@mynameisntdave: ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we've installed 1 stair
@Kayditty: Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.