This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
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I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.