This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
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*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?