Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
You Might Also Like
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Just a reminder, folks:
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP