When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
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Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Story of my life…..
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I’m listening
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*