@Crunk_Jews: This drunk guy in the mirror thinks he can beat me in a dance off but I totally embarrassed him in front of the whole women's bathroom.
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@murrman5: [catching breath at friends house] I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
@crushingbort: "Mr Bush, do you want my coke?" "Yeah sure" *Bush drinks coke as kid walks away* "Hey kid...catch" *kid turns around to see incoming plane*
@lovemydogduck: Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.