My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
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I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
What the hell is going on?
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.