Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control