*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
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I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Not all heroes wear capes….
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.