This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
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I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM