This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
You Might Also Like
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
you will never know the true number of layers
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I’m literally crying