@Sarcasticsapien: This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.
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@dafloydsta: [therapy] "Where does your fear of spiders come from?" *flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees* They're just creepy okay
@juneohara65: Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I'm not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
@Robert_Beau: The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
@ScaryMommy: In marriage, there are two conversations: The one you think you're having and the one your husband hears.