Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now