My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Canada has crack?
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*