I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
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“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Confused owl: What?!
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):