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@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old thinks that there's a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won't get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
@Douchekevin: Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren't getting along.
@secondofhername: If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry