This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
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This is I, Robot all over again
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
any last words?
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
What personal space?
My dog
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.