This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
*Inspirational Tweets*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.