This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power