This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
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My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!