This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
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FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Midwest trash talk
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.