This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.