@girl_a_whirl: His icy glare melts my creamy core. He's so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him. -Oreo to milk

@ABurgerADay: *takes off Scooby-Doo head* Rivorce?!

@withanewname: Neighbor: It's July, you need to take down the xmas lights. Me: It's no worse than your stupid yard gnome. Neighbor: That's my wife.

@JermHimselfish: Your hands aren't tied down when you're at the dentist, you're allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

@wolfpupy: people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle