@TheToddWilliams: This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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@fro_vo: Friend: what are u doing Me: training my pet rock Friend: that's dumb Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face* Me: no rocky, no
@Jam453Lane: They always say to follow your gut, that's why this is my 11th trip to the fridge for another beer.
@JoshDenny: Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
@abhorrent_wife: Thanks to Target's full length 3 way mirrors, I'm now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.