Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
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I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
The Assassin.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.