Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
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I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.