This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
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Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”