This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
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When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*cough*
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.