This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
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Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Wait a second…
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.