My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
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[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I hate my earbuds.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.