Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
You Might Also Like
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I gave up going to work for lent.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
never ask a starfish for directions
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.