Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
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they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
They grow up so quick