This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
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You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Mornin
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.