I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
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My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Found the job I’m suited for
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
This will never not be funny 😭
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.