This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
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I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
The Compass
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
? 💀
Body by cheese-puffs.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
🖤✌🏽
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns