This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
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*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Mission: Impossible
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
what’s really going on
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.