This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
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GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
“A little help here, Danny?”
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”