Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
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You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.