This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
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Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.