@retardedwriter: This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd "Shona baby"
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@ehdannyboy: Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He's outside looking forlorn. Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it's there u prick
@djdarrellripley: Her: She's too young for you. Me: Based on what? Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born.. Me:
@jayonguitar: When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.