This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
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The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
my friends when i can’t do basic math
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings