This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
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“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.