went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
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Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
If only
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK