This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
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“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.