‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
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Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath