Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
You Might Also Like
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold