I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Erm I’m gonna say no
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”