I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
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A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.