if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh