please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
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Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
yeet
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado