*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
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*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
“you recording!?”
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit