Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.