@sammyrhodes: This ice cream is legen - wait for it - DAIRY.
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@Ygrene: Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
@buhsbaby_baby: I feel like auto-correct should know by now that I'd never ask anyone to "jazz" all over my face.
@AndyAsAdjective: ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it's Gary, right? NEIGHBOR: Deborah
@briancthayer: Hamburglar search history: • sentence for stealing burgers • do inmates get burgers • what is prison "beef" • countries that don't extradite