@sammyrhodes: This ice cream is legen - wait for it - DAIRY.
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@Smooheed: I miss dating The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window...
@Bizarro_Mark: Do not tell a kid you didn't understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
@CulturedRuffian: For Lent I've decided to give up my New Year's Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
@JohnLemongrab: "open up, this is the police!" "well, I've felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I'm sad all the time-" "no the door open up the door"