@sammyrhodes: This ice cream is legen - wait for it - DAIRY.
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@KandyKoehn: me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?! dracula: [bursts out of my closet] me: did you hear that too?! dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
@librarianfonz: I literally use figuratively in literally every occasion where I am literally speaking figuratively.
@Spaziotwat: [Last Supper] Jesus:"We need 13 chairs please" Judas:"But chairs don't fall into common usage until the 16th century AD" Jesus:"AD?"
@donjuantip: ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, "So, I was sitting there eating this salad..."