this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
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Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.