This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
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*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
there’s probably a fee though
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.