This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
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I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me