@RobDenBleyker: This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
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@imdaintyaf: I'm so incapable of accepting a compliment that I've started just flat out refusing them. Them: You look lovely today. Me: No thank you.
@CaptainJerkwad: My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
@chris_isloi: Whenever two people argue over something, yell out "OBJECTION" and then contradict the one wearing something you don't like.
@Deurb1: I remember a friend asking me why I had a bottle of wine in my car, I said I got it for my wife... He said good trade...