This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
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My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
💁🏻♂️
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I’d love this…lol
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.